It all started with finishing a bottle of wine and visiting with the neighbors. A shot of something not too pleasant, washing it down with some beer and a parliament cigarette. Wine in the box bag being passed around taking turns until it was finished. A cab was called and the ladies went dancing. The following day found me utterly useless. What used to be an almost nightly routine my body tells me along with my husband that I am too old to be going out with the young kids.
I’m in the doldrums of my marriage. I love him but is that enough I wonder. I read self help books and wonder what is wrong with me. There are issues I know I have and there are things I do to set him off. I show him I love him by cleaning and cooking. I do my best to be the good wife and then I slip up. I drink too much. I go out without him. And that’s all it takes to be told I’m being irresponsible. I don’t know what to do. More therapy I suppose. I can hardly remember the last time we had sex and it’s not for my lack of wanting. I used to love having sex. I would love nothing better than to spend a day, all day in bed and never leave. I know he loves me but is it enough. What do I do from here? He fishes, he hunts, he drinks beer and smokes the pot and hangs out with his friends. He’s trying to work on a start up company, he has a few IT clients and all the while we’re trying to live on my salary. He tells me I have to choose because he won’t put up with it. If I had to count the number of times I’ve gone out in the past year it would be on one hand……. It’s true I do get sloppy sometimes but then so does he. he tells me he’s not trying to be controlling yet….
this leaves me wondering why oh why did i ever consent to this life of marriage where it seems we’re roommates more than anything else. i wanted more than this. i want to get out of debt. i want to be able to travel and go see my sister on a whim if i feel like it. life is hard i know this already and have accepted it’s my responsibility to make changes and take responsibility for my actions. it still isn’t fun and I don’t know where to go from here. hand me a beer and let me drown my sorrows for the moment while i figure this shit out.