I keep meaning to write something here but each time I try it seems like nothing comes and I don’t know what to say….
I was in the kitchen a few weeks ago making a birthday cake for a friend and stumbled across my grandmother’s coconut cake recipe with a letter. I read it and started crying. I haven’t realized in ages how much I miss her presence in my life. Apparently this was also my undoing as I’ve been much moodier lately. It also could coincide with the end of winter and snowboarding. Dare I admit that I’ve been a tad bit depressed? Some folks suffer from seasonal disorder; I suffer when the seasons change. The adjustment to running (ugh) which is not fun right now and yet by the end of the summer I’ll be upset to not be able to run. I’ve had quite a few absolutely perfect days lately. I’ve been spring cleaning; putting winter clothes away and breaking out summer dresses and sandals; cleaning out my bookcase and getting rid of all the books I’ll never read again. I took a walk in the park on a warm day and made the mistake of not wearing snowshoes but made an adventure of it nonetheless. I’ve been listening to all sorts of jazz and classical music and blissfully daydreaming of nothing. I streamed Jazz Fest via wwoz all weekend and again more crying… some of it was because the music touched my soul and other parts were purely nostalgia. I haven’t been upset or cried in some time so maybe it’s just that time…. I’m also only working part time these days so maybe I have too much time on my hands to think… idle hands….oh dear! I wrote a long letter to my grandmother who is in her mid eighties and bed ridden. I hope it brightens her day and I hope she can read my handwriting. I wrote a letter to my niece whose parents are going through a divorce. Divorce does awful things to children. I talked to my mom for a while. I had a good conversation with my oldest brother and texted with my sister. So on top of my crying I now miss my friends and family.
I attended a forum at the center on the White bark pine and heard different theories on how to protect the pine from the beetle that’s killing the trees; maybe I’ll volunteer this summer to be a part of it.
I was fortunate to catch and be a part of a 21 Taras ceremony and blessing by the Chokling Jigme Palden Rinpoche. For a moment I felt transported to another time and place. I need more of those moments in my life. I’m trying to be better about practicing compassion.
Maybe I should have more compassion for myself….maybe when the crying cycle and missing everyone is over and done.