This morning as I struggled to get ready for work I admitted to myself that I am/ have been depressed. It’s a combination of things that have contributed to this most recent two month episode. i haven’t been exercising at all. that in and of itself doesn’t help matters. i took the last two days off … and guiltily enjoyed staying inside on two very cold days. I’m wondering where have I placed my happiness? Once again I’m experiencing the feelings of being empty and uninspired. I am good at putting a “nice face” on for work and for social situations. I even fool myself into a false happiness half the time and by the time i’ve had a beer or two i really am happy. i’m so frustrated with myself. i want a new me and i don’t know how to get there. i feel like i’m surrounded by four tall walls and can’t climb over at times. I like the hungover me much better. I don’t care and I’m invincible. until the hangover is gone and all I can think about are regrets and how much of a fool i am. what the hell am i doing with my life? yes, i am in crisis mode. this happens every year. i hate my birthday. it’s not fun. i equate my birthday with the holidays where is my fun? i’m having trouble relating to people / strangers / social situations again; cue anxiety. i’m having trouble making myself move in a forward motion….. something is going to give. someone give me a xanax.