stuck on repeat

This morning as I struggled to get ready for work I admitted to myself that I am/ have been  depressed.  It’s a combination of things that have contributed to this most recent two month episode.  i haven’t been exercising at all.  that in and of itself doesn’t help matters.  i took the last two days off … and guiltily enjoyed  staying inside on two very cold days.    I’m wondering where have I placed my happiness?  Once again I’m experiencing the feelings of being empty and uninspired.   I am good at putting a “nice face” on for work and for social situations.  I even fool myself into a false happiness half the time and  by the time i’ve had a beer or two i really am happy.  i’m so frustrated with myself.  i want a new me and i don’t know how to get there.  i feel like i’m surrounded by four tall walls and can’t climb over at times.   I like the hungover me much better.  I don’t care and I’m invincible.  until the hangover is gone and all I can think about are regrets and how much of a fool i am.  what the hell am i doing with my life?   yes, i am in crisis mode.  this happens every year.  i hate my birthday.  it’s not fun.  i equate my birthday with the holidays  where is my fun?   i’m having trouble relating to people / strangers / social situations again; cue anxiety.   i’m having trouble making myself move in a forward motion…..  something is going to give.  someone give me a xanax.

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About Della

photography a work in progress; always growing, continually learning
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