no crying; not giving in.

I went fishing this past weekend on the south fork of the snake.   It was my first time really trying to fly fish.  I’ve floated tons of times and usually take photos, just hang out, let the boys fish.    This time my boy provided his time and expertise along with being an expert oarsman.    I caught quite a few fish and by the end of the trip my arm and hand were starting to cramp up.    It was ever so nice and I’ve been crying again ever since.   I feel such a loss of love of late not only with my mom but with him as well.   I keep telling myself it’s yet another wave.  I just need to sit still and ride it out.  He shows me he loves me in so many ways…..

  I’ve been trying to deal with a ton of things lately emotionally and mostly in my head.  I’m making progress sometimes living outside and trying not to think too much but at the same time these are things that need to be recognized and dealt with or so I think.    I feel everything I maybe sort of knew has flown out the window and I don’t know anything.    I have been feeling at a loss once again for the person I am and in order to compensate try to get involved with things other than myself and then I fall and have a  night wherein I drink to complete drunkenness.    I started a cleanse this week, next Tuesday I start yoga classes and then  mid October I have a weekend retreat in Oregon.    Getting back up.   Concentrating on taking of myself.  Once I take care of me, everything else will fall into place.   I worry about this and about that and things not being the way that I think they should be……..  sit still.  breathe.  look around where I live.    it’s amazing and I have nothing absoultely nothing to be at odds with ie the sky is falling or i’ve fallen and can’t get up.  I will not be defeated no matter how much a trainwreck I sometimes can be.

* Disclaimer:    My blog has taken on more of venting aspect.  Truly what I type here has become an outlet.   I have trouble sharing myself with friends.  I share some things but most I don’t for the sake of not wanting to become a burden.  Everyone has their fair share of issues.   I don’t want to contribute so I write here…….. I promise it won’t always be this way……   I’m not asking or need for anything.. Just to think out loud with words to help get my head around the emotions and feelings I am experiencing and then it helps me to remember that they are only emotions and feelings and nothing more.

About Della

photography a work in progress; always growing, continually learning
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