My mood(s) today have been “touch me and I will cry.” I think most of it is out of my system at this point in the afternoon. I went home at lunch, literally threw everything off, climbed into bed wtih the covers pulled over and cried into the pillow.
My morning started out like this:
It’s all fun and games til someone loses…..
I don’t know when I’ve ever won. I’m not good at playing games. I only know when my heart hurts. I try to think of years past and wonder how this year compares. It seems I always have heartache. In different forms each year. I know I cause heartache for him as well. I know I’m not perfect. I know I have many flaws.
I set myself up for disappointment. I know I set my expectations too high; maybe something I learned from my mother which isn’t an excuse just something I’ve only recently realized. I’m trying to not hold it all in. I want to be open and honest with him and sometimes it’s extremely difficult to let him in. I subconsciously act out – a lesson learned early on in my life; negative attention is better than none.
My deepest fault – I drink too much to the point of falling down, to the point where I lose myself, given over to a drunken fool.
The fool is me at my basest level. It’s not something I am proud of. These flaws have been ingrained into this thirty-something year old woman.
My base level….. starting there and working up. The fool in me…….