pensive heart-ache folly

My mood(s) today have been “touch me and I will cry.”   I think most of it is out of my system at this point in the afternoon.  I went home at lunch, literally threw everything off, climbed into bed wtih the covers pulled over and cried into the pillow. 

My morning started out like this:

It’s all fun and games til someone loses…..

I don’t know when I’ve ever won. I’m not good at playing games. I only know when my heart hurts.   I try to think of years past and wonder how this year compares.  It seems I always have heartache.  In different forms each year.   I know I cause heartache for him as well.  I know I’m not perfect.  I know I have many flaws. 
I set myself up for disappointment.  I know I set my expectations too high; maybe something I learned from my mother which isn’t an excuse just something I’ve only recently realized.    I’m trying to not hold it all in.   I want to be open and honest with him and sometimes it’s extremely difficult to let him in.   I subconsciously act out – a lesson learned early on in my life; negative attention is better than none. 

My deepest fault – I drink too much to the point of falling down, to the point where I lose myself, given over to a drunken fool. 

 The fool is me at my basest level.  It’s not something I am proud of.  These flaws have been ingrained into this thirty-something year old woman. 

My base level…..  starting there and working up.   The fool in me…….

About Della

photography a work in progress; always growing, continually learning
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