My emotions are bouncing around like little rubber balls. Friday, usually a joyous day simply for the fact that it is Friday, was not so. I went for a two hour hike hoping to feel better; spoke with my Dad and my youngest brother and stayed indoors for the rest of full moon night; my energy depleted. Saturday was supposed to be a beautiful day and I neglected to drink coffee which didn’t help. I ventured out to the Farmers Market and immediately felt out of place. Fight or flight kicked in wherein I almost said “screw it” and left however I made it past the first panic attack and wound up scoring big with fresh greens, cherries, cucumbers, mushrooms, snap peas, arugula and blueberries. I missed however the tomatoes, so next weekend I will go earlier. My mother received a six hour out of the facility trip which my father had voiced to me the night before this was not something he was looking forward to. During this time she called. It didn’t go well and left me out of sorts for the remainder of the day, angry, frustrated and tired. I tried not to think about it. I made a grocery list, went to the store and ran a few errands in an attempt to keep myself busy. I rode my bike about town to the art fair only to walk around in an aimless haze and bike right home again. I tried to immerse myself in a book for a few hours and it worked. I then made a nice dinner of baked chicken with lemon and herbs, macaroni and cheese and garlic cheese biscuits. When in distress, make comfort food. I then watched “american gangster,” took a valium and went to bed. I determined upon waking up on Sunday it was going to be a better day first of all starting with coffee and making breakfast and listening to miles davis kind of blue followed by some nina simone. The morning was cooler than it has been in a while. I ventured out to the art fair once more this time finding Christmas gifts for all the women in both our families. Everything bought was from local artists. It was a much better trip than the day before.
An overwhelming sense of loneliness hit me this weekend. My anxiety has been at an all time high and I’m fighting a headache that started Saturday night. I’m taking this Friday and going to see an acupuncturist for stress, headaches, anxiety and maybe a bit of depression throw in for good measure.