no one likes a whiner. I feel like that is what I have become lately. ugh. what is wrong with me i ask? i am good enough and i am strong enough. I spent the better part of today on the verge of tears. again i ask myself wtf? I need to get over myself, get over the fact that I am still new to this place and yes its okay if i don’t have friends and don’t make them immediately. After all girl friends are hard to find in the first place however i’m not doing anything about it – i’m not taking any action so what right do i even have to complain? and yes my mother is sick but so what that’s part of life and i am not my mother therefore i do not /should not feel obligated to carry her burdens to even compare myself to her. i am good enough. i am strong enough. i need to be myself fully and let go of all this negative shit i am carrying around with me. burdening myself needlessly. i am not a flipping victim. i have chosen this place to live in and to be a part of and i should not doubt. i wanted to be alone. this was something i desired in order to work on myself in the attempt to make myself a better human being, more compassionate, more loving, more giving and i’m a wreck. i’ve let circumstances warp me and i have not taken a proactive role. fuck that. one more time fuck that. i’m better than that. no more whining – moving on. I have to move, make motion and make myself known. How many times have i said life is too short? not getting any younger here and again why am i complaining i mean how can i be depressed when i live where i do.
i woke up to another cool morning having rained the night before fresh mountain air drifting in through our open windows. It’s so nice during the summer to have all the windows of the house open constantly bringing in fresh breezes, the sounds of the neighbors. We’re all on top of each other but in a comfortable way if that makes sense. We know most of our neighbors and occasionally drink wine together. I borrow another neighbor’s dogs from time to time since i don’t have my own and take them walking with me. I always feel braver, stronger with dogs by my side. Edie and Sawyer, two big black labs they are. Super sweet and solid good dogs. Our condo is really comfortable and quite a nice change from the house we had in Florida. Much less to take care of. It’s a perfect space for the two of us and the kitties. I have a great deal to be thankful for – my job has really helped me out lately in just keeping me busy and everyone i work with are just the some of the nicest people you have ever met in your life. I have to say that they make me laugh almost on a daily basis. i have so much to be thankful for! right now i am thankful for rain, lightning and thunder and a rainbow! no more whining…….