I’ve had to fall literally and not gently- to be able to step back to realize I need to get my shit together. While I still can. While I still have time. Resorting to unhealthy ways of dealing with my angst doesn’t make it go away and certainly doesn’t make it better. I have deep rooted issues within myself I need to work out and let go of. Maybe for the first time admitting to myself. I have anxiety. I don’t know what balance is. It’s all or nothing with me. For so long I’ve put a happy face on in social situations, while most of the time my insides are eating away at me. I don’t want to get too close to anyone or get to know anyone too well for fear…. I’ve let fear in. I want nothing better than to crawl into bed and put the covers over my head and stay in a fetal position.
I can pinpoint things from my childhood. I would act out to get attention. Although negative; it was still attention. I’m awful at taking compliments and if I do something well and receive compliments I feel I don’t deserve them. What happened so that this still remains?
I try to be strong and always do the “right” thing, when I can’t be strong for myself. I’m not strong. I’ve tried to immerse myself in Buddhist teachings, meditation and then dropped it all. I used to enjoy Yoga, yet something else I never completed. I can’t commit. I set myself up repeatedly for disappointment and sabotage my own happiness.
So what now? Well, I’m going to clear my head and get my feet on the ground and by doing this be conscious. I went running last night and it felt good. Felt good to cry. Felt good to let go. I’ve been hiding. Hiding in false identities. Hiding in others opinions and beliefs. It’s time to be. Be myself.