I can’t do this by myself

Chickpea to Cook

A chickpea leaps almost over the rim of the pot

where it’s being boiled.

‘Why are you doing this to me?’

The cook knocks him down with the ladle.

‘Don’t you try to jump out.

You think I’m torturing you.

I’m giving you flavor, so you can mix with spices and rice

and be the lovely vitality of a human being.

Remember when you drank rain in the garden.

That was for this.’

Grace first. Sexual pleasure,

then a boiling new life begins,

and the Friend has something good to eat.

Eventually the chickpea will say to the cook,

‘Boil me some more.

Hit me with the skimming spoon.

I can’t do this by myself.

I’m like an elephant that dreams of gardens back in Hindustan and doesn’t pay attention to his driver.

You’re my cook, my driver, my way into existence.

I love your cooking.’

The cook says, ‘I was once like you, fresh from the ground.

Then I boiled in time,

and boiled in the body,

two fierce boilings.

My animal soul grew powerful.

I controlled it with practices,

and boiled some more,

and boiled once beyond that,

and became your teacher.

— Rumi

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fuck it

I finally figured out I need to quit whining, quit feeling sorry for myself, and to quit blaming someone else for the mess I’m in.

I finally figured out I need to pucker up, take full responsibility and fucking do something about it, after having a several month long mid life crisis meltdown.

Just the fact that it was the holidays isn’t an excuse – right?

Two Tears in a Bucket….    2016 – game on.

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drowning

I’m in deep. It’s worse than I admit to myself.  I need a solution.

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time of year

I find myself in a reoccurring pattern where this time year always brings deep reflection, thoughts of my past lives and struggle with depression.

I always try to prepare for it rather brace myself against the onslaught and secretly hope that maybe this year it will pass me by.

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anxious now and again

the need for change

the need for growth

the need to move/ be in motion/  do something, anything

the angst always nagging always coming back

never letting me rest

invading my happiness like a dark cloud

then rain, lightning, thunder, storm and bring the house down

the calm before the storm makes me anxious

anxiety is going to kill me

 

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