the need for change
the need for growth
the need to move/ be in motion/ do something, anything
the angst always nagging always coming back
never letting me rest
invading my happiness like a dark cloud
then rain, lightning, thunder, storm and bring the house down
the calm before the storm makes me anxious
anxiety is going to kill me
working on creating more balance in my life……
Despite my best intentions, I did not make it to yoga class on Sunday. I didn’t even meditate this weekend or read through my Kundalini book. Instead I opted for time spent outside grooming and working on ground games with the ponies. I ate good food, I drank good wine and I relaxed. I read instead a book I picked up at Faulkner House Books the time before last – half way through and never finished. Which set me off into a tail spin of dreaming of owning a flat in the Vieux Carré, a place whenever I want to make a quick getaway to. Then again wouldn’t I want a place on the gulf coast or in nicaragua? Can’t I have it all? I also need a new horse trailer. Forgoing my usual spring trip this year out of the valley so I can get said trailer. I’m looking forward to taking a trip to Baja this fall at some point.
I need to focus. My idea is to work for myself. I have an idea of opening an art supply store in town. We have a large community of artists without an art supply store. Year round we have at least 20,000 residents. That number doubles during the summer adding in approximately two plus million tourists wafting through on their way to the national parks. Finding space, writing a business plan and figuring out how to make the financials work are the hardest parts. I need help – in the way of a loan and also finding space.
I get frustrated on a regular basis. I want to throw the towel in. I know I could make this idea work though. It’s terrifying at the same time. To throw away the security blanket of a steady income, to take on risk. Shit – this life is all I have and if I can’t make something of myself then what the fuck am I doing? I’m wasting precious time.
I have a meeting coming up with the fim I work for in which I will pitch my idea to and ask for thoughts – I will also ask to adjust my schedule giving me time to either ride or get my yoga on before coming in.
Focus and breathe.
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”
Last night while sitting on the couch after dinner with Iowa/Vols game (NCAA) on in the background I found time to sit and start reading The Eight Human Talents. I am ready to focus and intentionally dig into myself to find the source of the pain I am carrying in order to release it and grow. A few things I read stood out in my mind. Yoga isn’t about making yourself better – it’s about accepting yourself where you are. Ahhh Acceptance. Yes, well, there’s that. I continued reading, apparently every single one of my chakras is unbalanced. I have all the negative emotions associated with each one strongly present. Go figure.
I had trouble this morning on my way into work trying to figure out what to listen to and finally settled on Nina. I sang along with all my might. Cure for pain…..
I think I know what the root cause of my pain is……
I’m setting a goal to meditate for at least three minutes a day for forty days starting today. It’s time to heal from within.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi
Always looking outside myself when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that true happiness comes from within. When oh when will I learn this lesson and just be. Just be myself.
Something I read yesterday resonated with me: “The Law of Dharma says that there’s at least one thing you can do better than anyone else on the entire planet. When you’re completely absorbed in expressing your talent, time seems to stand still. You love what you’re doing and you enter the blissful state of timeless awareness.”
What is my one thing? What are my passions? What do I love doing most in the world? Where for me does time stand still?
I have several passions; loving my man, working with our horses, taking photographs, yoga and cooking.
I’ve been too focused on the things that aren’t important in life, for example – my job, while it pays the bills, it doesn’t define who I am and yet I’m very pleased with myself in where and who I work for – where is the humbleness in that? And trust me when I tell you it’s far from being a glamorous job. On the flip side I am bored lifeless with my job – it fails to inspire me so I have been consumed with the fear of finding a new job, making more money, possibly working for myself. LET GO. I have been consumed with the thought of the man I love who I have waited all my entire life for to wake up one day and say he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I have been consumed with the fear of him leaving and in that making myself miserable and pushing him away. He tells me everyday I mean everyday how much he loves me, how beautiful I am and I am his queen. LET GO. I look to retail therapy to make myself “feel” better, I drink too much wine to make myself “feel” better. I look at taking an online course like the 40 day fear cleanse to make myself “feel” better when all along everything I need everything I want is right here inside me.
Happiness comes from within. LET GO.