Against my better judgement, I’m saying yes to almost anything these days and letting go of fear and inhibitions, I let a boy, take that back, a man take me to dinner last night. He insisted on picking me up; full of southern gentlemanly charm. Today, all I can think about is kissing him. I’m going to remain in this feeling for as long as it is humanly possible………….
Week four. I start each week fresh with a positive attitude. By day three I’m over it, tired and overwhelmed and trying to fill my days up with as many distractions as possible. I’m going to yoga a few times a week, trying to take time out for myself. I still have this nauseaus feeling in my stomach every time he texts or emails me. I have to talk to him tonight, the man I have shared most of my life with, and I’m dreading it.
This gets easier right?
That nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach is back today after being gone for at least a week. After we agreed to separate, I could hardly bring myself to eat for the first two weeks. Every time I did eat I thought I was going to be sick.
I took a day for myself yesterday, made my first fire, stayed in my pajamas all day and cleaned up files on my laptop. I also accidentally deleted a few photos. It was such a nice day in my cabin looking out the window at the Tetons.
Today is not yesterday as my stomach is in knots. It might have something to do with several friends upon finding out the splitsville news calling to check up on me (all meant with the most sincere concern and love). It’s true, I have tons of support from friends and family. I just really want to be by myself though as I process my emotions and feelings. I was talking about it and now I’m not. My blanket statement is: We were in an unhappy, unhealthy place and after trying to make it work for ten plus years and things not getting better we decided to call it good.” His blanket statements aren’t so blanket as they come back to me hurtful and mean. And yet, I can’t throw stones or point fingers, that doesn’t do any good. I am the silent one who neither comfirms or denies. I just nod with an attempt at a smile and say, yes, he is angry….. I wish it would make me feel better to be angry but it doesn’t. I was angry the week I moved out and I’ll get angry for moments and then I have to let it go. No, I’m mostly sad. Mourning the loss.
I balance it out with things to look forward to and tell myself of all the possibilities that are open to me. 2012 is my year. my re-birth.
Only time will make this feeling go away.
As each day begins anew, I struggle to get out of my warm bed with my down comforter, kitten and picturesque windows surrounding me. I’ve landed in a my dream cabin. It’s quiet and peaceful with windows looking out to the surrounding land and Tetons in the distance. It has a wood stove and a lovely kitchen. It’s full of images of Buddha, Jesus and has with angles over all the doorways. I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect spot in which to rest and restore my soul, myself… It’s hard to drag myself away. Now, I just have to learn how to use the wood stove!
My moods are all over the place, I’m angry, I’m crying and then I’m grateful and thankful… I’m taking one day at a time for the moment and trying not to think about the what ifs or what the future will hold. It’s so important right now for me to get my mind and body in a healthy place.
This is my opportunity to live my life as I want to… I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth and I’ve been living miserably in the shadows. My choice to live in the shadows…
I’m fortunate to have supportive friends and family. I’m fortunate to have a therapist! I rely on StumbleUpon and Pin Interest for inspiration. Yoga classes have also been incorporated as I delve into this new life.
Each day brings a new set of emotions and thoughts as I move forward… into the light ~
“Be careful of what you ask for,” the saying goes…
I knew a change was coming, warranted and needed. I just didn’t know what exactly that was.
After being in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage for some time we have decided to finally call it good and go our separate ways. Now comes the process of rediscovering life.
2012 is going to be a good year moving forward in a positive direction to make myself happy..
